![]() WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? GO PORCH? There's a house, right? And I want to go to the house, right? Maybe GO HOUSE will work! What the fuck am I supposed to? The instructions weren't lying when they said it could take hours to move. This is highly improbable, but I guess I'll try SOUTH.ĭammit! So let's recap: there are four directions that I can move in and none of them work. Not a problem though, I'll just try another direct. The house is in front of me, and the compass direction north is pretty much always synonymous with forward/up in games of this nature. Instead of GO NORTH, let's just try NORTH. Let's see if I can't get things right this time. I'll try not to confuse you anymore with my advanced terminology. ![]() How the fuck is that possible? I'm sorry, Mystery House. Apparently the game doesn't understand GO NORTH. Luckily for me, the game is so poorly coded that it only understands FUCK within certain contexts and FUCK PLEASE isn't one of them. After restarting the game, the first thing I did was type in FUCK again. Only I won't actually type SHIT because I bet you'll just quit again. Once I reboot, you'll be in for some serious shit. Mystery House, I hope you're ready for me, because I'm coming back for second try. She appeared on the cover of the racy 1981 text game Softporn Adventure. And it's not like Roberta Williams has any right to get all preachy. Well, I WOULD have paid good money for this game if I had bought it between the years of 19 Sierra released it into the public domain in 1987. But really, where the hell does a video game get off telling what words I can and cannot use? I paid good money for this game, so it has no right to fucking chastise me. Well played, Mystery House you've won this round. Just you wait and see what I type in next. You will find me to be quite a deadly adversary indeed. In fact, it "refuses" to play with me anymore. Needless to say, the game is not happy with this situation. Now the game will understand how it's gonna be: I'm the boss and it's my bitch. I figured it was important to establish dominance over the game early on by using abusive language towards it. ![]() So instead of critiquing the bland, boxy house, I think I'll just play the game. If I wanted an exciting graphical experience, I probably shouldn't have picked an Apple II game to review. It doesn't look very Victorian either, for that matter. ![]() So here I am, standing in front of Mystery House. ![]()
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